I went to a Quaker gathering a while back, and at one of the workshops I was attending, the facilitator mentioned that she made a practice of asking people who seemed to be giving vocal ministry for the first time "how did that feel"?
(Aside - vocal ministry is the "speaking" part of "speaking out of the silence" that happens sometimes when we liberal unprogrammed quakers gather and sit quietly for an hour)
I gave ministry a few weeks back, and realized that (almost 2 years into my Quaker journey, and probably at least a year since the first time I gave ministry), I probably can describe how it feels for me to give vocal ministry.
Usually there's a thought or phrase that crystallizes as "Important" for me. A while back, after hearing a story about how the navy's increased operational schedule was correlated to a higher count of training incidents, I started thinking about and noticing the logic of a system made for war that couldn't even value the lives of the people who enable it. Two weeks ago, when sitting down, I was struck very strongly by the impression that what we do (sitting in silence, speaking out of that silence), was (is?) a very specific argument with a kind of performance of faith. There's always a kernel that gets stuck. I think every time I've given vocal ministry, there's been a kernel that I knew *could* become ministry, though they don't always.
After the kernel, I spend a while thinking and listening. Two weeks ago, my ministry came in the same meeting as the initial revelation. I think the ministry about the training incidents came over a month after I first heard the story. Some of this is me thinking. Asking the kinds of questions I've learned to ask as a student and a privileged white person. "What are the implications of this revelation? What historical or other context do I have to apply to this? Are there any biblical stories that seem to speak to this? From what I know of the experiences of women and people of color, would their relationship to this kernel be different from my own?" If the kernel is important, I should try to understand it. Some of the waiting is not thinking. I'm not very good at not-thinking, but I try. I let my thoughts drift, let myself slip away from that kernel, or just wait and see what else bumps up against it. Usually a few different things do bump together. Sometimes I'll do a little reading, particularly if the ministry is spread out over weeks - if there's a biblical or other story that seems to have resonance, I might re-read that.
Generally when I'm in Meeting, as I've been thinking and listening around this kernel, I'll start to feel some tension in my body. A few phrases and ideas will start to stick around. Often I'll start to rehearse how this ministry might be expressed. I'm conscious of something I read a while back that distinguished vocal ministry from worship sharing by saying that "worship sharing begins with I". Even if the kernel that leads to the ministry starts with "I heard a story about X" or "I was thinking about Y", what's another way to begin the ministry that gets closer to the heart of things?
So there I am, sitting in Meeting, feeling tense, holding the kernel within me, holding a possible train of three or four related ideas that seem together to pull this ministry together, and usually with at least a couple of stories or phrases that seem to crystallize the ministry. And then I wait for a while. Has someone else spoken? I have no experience with feeling led to give ministry related to what another Friend said in Meeting (though I have experienced other Friends giving messages related to things that I had felt might be a kernel that could become ministry). Does this really feel necessary? Does it feel like it's meant for this Meeting for Worship? Is it self-aggrandizing. I am good with words. I could probably stand up and say clever things at least every other week if I wanted to. Have I been given ministry recently? It's usually felt a bit odd to even consider giving a message if I gave one within the last few weeks.
And then I get up and talk. Actually I get up, walk and take the microphone, walk back to stand by my seat, take a few deep breaths, and then talk. And usually some of what I'd been stringing together comes out, but usually not all of it, and not all in the way I'd expected, and usually the conclusion comes on the fly (and sometimes I've been a bit surprised by the way I summed up what it all meant). And then I put the microphone down, sit, and work on getting calm, because I'm usually still at least a bit tense. Most of the time, though, I can center pretty quickly. It feels like there's a bit of a weight gone, and I can just let my thoughts drift. Once, I stayed pretty tense. I'm not sure if I should have given that ministry in that form.
There have been a couple of times that someone else has given a message afterwards that was in some way building on what I said. As I mentioned above, I have no experience giving ministry inspired or connected to what someone else says earlier in Meeting for Worship. Similarly, I have not felt as though there was a larger connected Message in the people speaking about the words or topic I spoke to. But maybe that means I need to be a better listener.
I'm certainly aware that if I had more stories and memorized passages to draw on, I could "up my game" as it were. If a part of my vocal ministry is letting the stories and words roll around together, having more in my head to roll around would lead (I think) to better messages. Maybe? That sounds as if it's giving me the conduit more influence than is strictly necessary. I'm aware that some people talk/write about vocal ministry as a spontaneous thing, not something that should be rehearsed. I definitely don't rise to give a memorized speech, but I can't imagine being led without some signposts along the way, partly to test whether the message should be given (I've had a couple of times where I got to the "sitting really tense in Meeting, with the kernel and also a beginning and some stories and words" phase, and never rose to give a message), and partly to make sure I'm expressing what's actually important. Again, I don't know if this shows my inexperience with vocal ministry, different ways of talking about ministry, or different ways of experiencing it.
I do know that I've never asked anyone else what it's like to give vocal ministry. That seems scary. I've also never said any of this to anyone else. I've read online comments from other people about how coffee time can include reviewing the quality of ministry that week, but I don't think our Meeting really talks about ministry after it's given, at least not in the groups I gather with.
No comments:
Post a Comment