Vocal Ministry - How does it feel?

I went to a Quaker gathering a while back, and at one of the workshops I was attending, the facilitator mentioned that she made a practice of asking people who seemed to be giving vocal ministry for the first time "how did that feel"?

(Aside - vocal ministry is the "speaking" part of "speaking out of the silence" that happens sometimes when we liberal unprogrammed quakers gather and sit quietly for an hour)

I gave ministry a few weeks back, and realized that (almost 2 years into my Quaker journey, and probably at least a year since the first time I gave ministry), I probably can describe how it feels for me to give vocal ministry.

Usually there's a thought or phrase that crystallizes as "Important" for me.  A while back, after hearing a story about how the navy's increased operational schedule was correlated to a higher count of training incidents, I started thinking about and noticing the logic of a system made for war that couldn't even value the lives of the people who enable it.  Two weeks ago, when sitting down, I was struck very strongly by the impression that what we do (sitting in silence, speaking out of that silence), was (is?) a very specific argument with a kind of performance of faith.  There's always a kernel that gets stuck. I think every time I've given vocal ministry, there's been a kernel that I knew *could* become ministry, though they don't always.

After the kernel, I spend a while thinking and listening.  Two weeks ago, my ministry came in the same meeting as the initial revelation.  I think the ministry about the training incidents came over a month after I first heard the story.  Some of this is me thinking.  Asking the kinds of questions I've learned to ask as a student and a privileged white person.  "What are the implications of this revelation? What historical or other context do I have to apply to this? Are there any biblical stories that seem to speak to this? From what I know of the experiences of women and people of color, would their relationship to this kernel be different from my own?"  If the kernel is important, I should try to understand it.  Some of the waiting is not thinking.  I'm not very good at not-thinking, but I try.  I let my thoughts drift, let myself slip away from that kernel, or just wait and see what else bumps up against it.  Usually a few different things do bump together.  Sometimes I'll do a little reading, particularly if the ministry is spread out over weeks - if there's a biblical or other story that seems to have resonance, I might re-read that.

Generally when I'm in Meeting, as I've been thinking and listening around this kernel, I'll start to feel some tension in my body.  A few phrases and ideas will start to stick around.  Often I'll start to rehearse how this ministry might be expressed.  I'm conscious of something I read a while back that distinguished vocal ministry from worship sharing by saying that "worship sharing begins with I".  Even if the kernel that leads to the ministry starts with "I heard a story about X" or "I was thinking about Y", what's another way to begin the ministry that gets closer to the heart of things? 

So there I am, sitting in Meeting, feeling tense, holding the kernel within me, holding a possible train of three or four related ideas that seem together to pull this ministry together, and usually with at least a couple of stories or phrases that seem to crystallize the ministry.  And then I wait for a while.  Has someone else spoken? I have no experience with feeling led to give ministry related to what another Friend said in Meeting (though I have experienced other Friends giving messages related to things that I had felt might be a kernel that could become ministry).  Does this really feel necessary? Does it feel like it's meant for this Meeting for Worship? Is it self-aggrandizing.  I am good with words. I could probably stand up and say clever things at least every other week if I wanted to.  Have I been given ministry recently? It's usually felt a bit odd to even consider giving a message if I gave one within the last few weeks. 

And then I get up and talk.  Actually I get up, walk and take the microphone, walk back to stand by my seat, take a few deep breaths, and then talk.  And usually some of what I'd been stringing together comes out, but usually not all of it, and not all in the way I'd expected, and usually the conclusion comes on the fly (and sometimes I've been a bit surprised by the way I summed up what it all meant).  And then I put the microphone down, sit, and work on getting calm, because I'm usually still at least a bit tense.  Most of the time, though, I can center pretty quickly.  It feels like there's a bit of a weight gone, and I can just let my thoughts drift.  Once, I stayed pretty tense.  I'm not sure if I should have given that ministry in that form.

There have been a couple of times that someone else has given a message afterwards that was in some way building on what I said.  As I mentioned above, I have no experience giving ministry inspired or connected to what someone else says earlier in Meeting for Worship.  Similarly, I have not felt as though there was a larger connected Message in the people speaking about the words or topic I spoke to.  But maybe that means I need to be a better listener.

I'm certainly aware that if I had more stories and memorized passages to draw on, I could "up my game" as it were.  If a part of my vocal ministry is letting the stories and words roll around together, having more in my head to roll around would lead (I think) to better messages.  Maybe? That sounds as if it's giving me the conduit more influence than is strictly necessary.  I'm aware that some people talk/write about vocal ministry as a spontaneous thing, not something that should be rehearsed.  I definitely don't rise to give a memorized speech, but I can't imagine being led without some signposts along the way, partly to test whether the message should be given (I've had a couple of times where I got to the "sitting really tense in Meeting, with the kernel and also a beginning and some stories and words" phase, and never rose to give a message), and partly to make sure I'm expressing what's actually important.  Again, I don't know if this shows my inexperience with vocal ministry, different ways of talking about ministry, or different ways of experiencing it.

I do know that I've never asked anyone else what it's like to give vocal ministry.  That seems scary.  I've also never said any of this to anyone else.  I've read online comments from other people about how coffee time can include reviewing the quality of ministry that week, but I don't think our Meeting really talks about ministry after it's given, at least not in the groups I gather with.

An Illustrative Experience?

It’s a strange thing to hear words and know them to be Truth. To hear them echoing in your mind and heart at odd times for weeks and months after, and to feel yourself, your actions and emotions being molded around those words. It’s an equally strange blessing to realize, even later, that you are not so much being molded as discovering in those words, and the patterns of thought they are guiding, an expression of truths you’ve always known, polished and made clear.

It’s wonderful (literally) to hear a voice in Meeting speaking the message you were fumbling around. It is also, as one traveling Friend has reminded us, miraculous. Uncomfortable as I still am with that idea.

It is a delight to sing together. To hear another member of the community requesting and sharing their own love of a beloved song, and to feel that shared expression of faith, and Love. (Is there a difference?)

It is a delight to rejoice together at a shared joy, or to feel a shared Concern expressed.

It is a revelation to witness us building community together. To see us worship, care for grounds, and go through the messy and tedious process of Meeting for Business. To see Friends hurt others, or those who are hurt, and to hear them express, or acknowledge that, and to see the Community around them. In Meeting for Worship with Attention to Business (and other contexts), I have seen tension, and seen listening that can only be accomplished because of the tension. I have seen us outrun our guide, and be restrained. I have witnessed a community gathered together in what I can only describe as a shared faith, or love, because what else but the sense that we are gathered in the presence of something greater than all of us would keep us returning? I have, to put it more simply, witnessed our community living into a Beloved Community.

It is strange to describe these moments of individual and corporate miracles. I am still not comfortable with miracles. They are flashy and dramatic. Immediately recognizable. I have not experienced a dramatic miracle that I can point to with certainty to say “Yes, God is real and this Quaker faith is correct because of a single experience which, if you shared it, you too could not deny.” And yet I have experienced the presence of God amidst the community of Friends, and what else could I call that if not miraculous? I have experienced miracles that settle deeper into me the more I reflect on them, or live into them. I have learned spiritual truths about myself, about how that of God in each of us can be made manifest, or hidden, and about how to live in a holy community with others. Knowing what has already been revealed to me, and the time it took between hearing Truth for the first time and seeing it manifest, I eagerly await more opportunities for divine revelation, knowing that I will not recognize them all (and that some will not be Messages for me), but hoping that I can become more practiced in noticing the manifestation of God.

Posted without explanation or context, though of course there's a reason, which I might dive into more later. For now, I'll let this stand as it is, with just a quick link to this Message on another basically-defunct blog.